"We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.
Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.
We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job.
We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.
It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.
Honesty is the best policy.
We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.
We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.
Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.
Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that."
Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.
We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job.
We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.
It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.
Honesty is the best policy.
We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.
We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.
Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.
Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that."
To me, this should come as common sense.
If your expectations and desires clash, things are obviously not going to pan out, either at that point in time or at no point in time.
If you are clear and direct about your wishes, thought processes, and motives, and the other person is not, or if there are unresolved questions or issues hanging in the air, or issues of trust, things will remain murky and uncertain until things are cleared up.
It is important to be up front about your abilities and what you can bring into a relationship.
For example, I have no problem with claiming incompetence when it comes to doing laundry or cooking for the most part. I will throw white socks into the wash with red shirts and blue jeans. I will burn your pancakes and eggs.
I bring other things to the table.
For example, I can grill a mean steak.
I'll expound now that I am not pressed for time and can give a complete answer.
This isn't a singles ad, but it should suffice to say that what makes me happy is doing what it takes to see the other person in the relationship happy. Pretty much whatever that means. If I pick up on any nonverbal cues of dissatisfaction, I aim to immediately nip them in the bud. I'm sensitve in that manner. I'm sensitive and loving in general, but I do not like it when people play games off of those attributes in some sort of power play in the relationship. There's no more accurate way to describe it than to say that it "hurts" me and betrays my trust. Maybe even makes me doubt your sincerity. So just don't do it. I'm a gentleman, but not a doormat.
A successful relationship requires that same attitude (the genuine desire to please the significant other) from both parties involved, does it not? Ideally, you supplement each other.
Honesty.
It is important to be up front about your abilities and what you can bring into a relationship.
For example, I have no problem with claiming incompetence when it comes to doing laundry or cooking for the most part. I will throw white socks into the wash with red shirts and blue jeans. I will burn your pancakes and eggs.
I bring other things to the table.
For example, I can grill a mean steak.
I'll expound now that I am not pressed for time and can give a complete answer.
This isn't a singles ad, but it should suffice to say that what makes me happy is doing what it takes to see the other person in the relationship happy. Pretty much whatever that means. If I pick up on any nonverbal cues of dissatisfaction, I aim to immediately nip them in the bud. I'm sensitve in that manner. I'm sensitive and loving in general, but I do not like it when people play games off of those attributes in some sort of power play in the relationship. There's no more accurate way to describe it than to say that it "hurts" me and betrays my trust. Maybe even makes me doubt your sincerity. So just don't do it. I'm a gentleman, but not a doormat.
A successful relationship requires that same attitude (the genuine desire to please the significant other) from both parties involved, does it not? Ideally, you supplement each other.
Honesty.
If your aim is control, go start a cult, participate in an abusive relationship, or go play video games.
None of these choices would bring me joy or add happiness to my life.
A content partner would.
Step one?
Be up front.
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